I'm not the most knowledgeable person around, about a bunch of stuff, yeah. And I try not to talk about stuff I don't know about... if I haven't earned the right to talk I try to Just Shut Up. I'm privileged in some ways and not so privileged in other ways. I sometimes say stupid shit without realizing it's stupid shit and then I try to learn and apologize and never make the same mistake twice. And a lot of the time, for me, it's easier for me to see how something is stupid hurtful shit when it comes out of someone else's mouth or keyboard, because when it comes out of my mouth or my keyboard it didn't immediately sound stupid or hurtful to me.
Stuff I have learned lately (not just from the latest shitstorm going on, but lately in general)...
1. When someone says they prefer a specific gendered or nongendered pronoun, I JUST DO IT. I just need to respect that preference.
1.a. If I screw that up once for someone? Please, anyone, give me a gentle reminder. If I screw that up twice for someone? Please, anyone, KICK ME.
1.b. This is not just related to whether or not I respect the person being referred to, but is also related to whether or not I respect everyone's right to have a personal pronoun preference.
2. If I don't have a clue whether someone prefers a specific gendered or nongendered pronoun, chances are that using 'they' as a singular, or zie and zir, will not piss them off or hurt them.
2.a. (I'm not sure about this, but so far it's holding true...) If I use they, or zie and zir, in reference to someone, and they distinctly do not prefer that, they can easily correct me without too much trauma or drama for either one of us.
2.b. There are folks who prefer they over zie and zir (or sie and hir), and folks who prefer zie and zir (or sie and hir) over they.
2.c. There are folks who do not self-identify as trans* who prefer non-gendered pronouns. There are folks who do not self-identify as cis* who prefer non-gendered pronouns.
3. It is awkward as hell for me to ask if a friend or acquaintance prefers any specific pronoun. That doesn't mean I should ever assume that they prefer she or he or zie. I should NOT ASSUME, even if I know them offline, even if I would probably tend to assume one pronoun is more likely than another based on my own personal history and the name they've chosen to use in any given setting, or any physical characteristic they've presented to me or kept private from me, or any attitude they've said or typed about any topic under the sun.
3.a. Awkward is not necessarily the same as hurtful. And if I can get myself through an awkward situation to prevent myself from hurting someone? If I realize the awkward situation is an option, I'm darned well choosing that rather than knowingly hurting someone.
3.b. It's really easy to be hurtful unintentionally if I don't know what I'm talking about.
So.
All I can do right now? Is offer virtual chocolates, and try not to mess this post up, because I just can't be silent right now. I'm sorry that people suck, and I'm sorry that folks I care about are being hurt, and I'm sorry that I've been unintentionally hurtful in the past.
And I desperately hope that I'm not being unintentionally hurtful now, especially given the current state of the latest shitstorm (which I am trying to avoid, actually).
ETA: And yes, this post is from a me-centric place, because when I tried writing it any other perspective, I came across even to my own eyes as megapreachy and talking about things I haven't earned the right to and ICK ICK ICK. I feel mostly-OK about talking about myself here, so yeah, I did. I wish I could do better, but I feel like this is better than silence, because I can't be silent when something is Not OK By Me.)
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in need of a beta
aggravated
groggy
anxious
frustrated
touched
uncomfortable